My flight was delayed so I had a cup of coffee and fucked a guy. It was just one of those things. It was in the bathroom, and we couldn’t get the angles right. I ended up spilling the coffee.
That next Sunday I was back home again in Salt Lake City. Well, I was back in Salt Lake City. In the kitchen I poured milk into a bowl of cereal till it tempted the rim like waves over levees. I held it in my fingers and tiptoed down the hall. So much of me wanted it to spill over. So much of me wanted all the cereal to fall on the floor so I’d have to go back to the kitchen and do it again. But it didn’t.
I brought it into the bedroom and Levi was asleep breathing out his coughing snores though the television threw colors and noises across his pale face. I woke him up. He coughed and tried to sit up, but he couldn’t.
Could you feed it to me.
Try to sit up again.
I saw his triceps strain and buckle, and tiny, like a washcloth you’ve rung out so the last drop of water falls from it, they moved to push him up. Eventually he sat there panting against the headboard.
I’m getting weaker.
I gave him the cereal. That’s because you aren’t eating.
Everything makes me sick. He touched my arm. Thank you, though.
I got up to leave. To leave where? Well, anywhere. Sometimes I’d go read in another room. Sometimes I’d go get the whiskey from my secret stash and chase it with coffee out by the U.
You asked the elders to come over this evening, right, honey? To give me the sacrament and a blessing? You asked them, didn’t you?
It slipped my mind.
The truth was I just hadn’t even gone to church. I was at the theater watching an R-rated movie.
Could you call them?
Do you really want company over tonight?
I need the Sacrament, honey.
I just thought we could have a nice night alone.
Please.
So I had a couple swigs of the whiskey and called the elders. They said they’d come at seven. Was it dinner as well?
In my head, all my answers had extra curse words. Of fucking course. Why fucking not.
The elders came punctually, and they unquestioningly sat in the bedroom around Levi eating off of trays.
This meal is delicious, Sister Ellis.
Thank you so goddamn much.
They talked to Levi like nothing was wrong. BYU football, the girls they had writing them. Then, could we share a message with you before we go?
The worst part.
When I’d first started dating Levi, this was something I loved, something I looked forward to, talking to the missionaries. Sometimes I’d be so anxious for the next lesson, I’d get online to talk to the missionaries manning the website, like it was pornography or something. That’s what it felt like anyway.
What was that? Did I care at all about the Word of God? Did I just want to know more about the man I loved? Maybe I just wanted to fuck him. He was muscular and blond back then after all, not all skinny like now with his hair thin and colorless. Would you give up cursing and coffee just to see one person naked? Would you give up beer and R-rated movies to sleep with someone? Would you give it all up if you loved them? And if you did give it all up, you got to love them forever? Well, I did, and what did I get?
The elders told us a story I already knew. The one about John the Baptist. You know the one, Jesus in the water and all that. What they don’t tell you is that a couple weeks later he gets his head chopped off. I bet he didn’t know he was signing up for that when the Son of God asked for a dip.
How about we give the blessing now?
Fanfuckingtastic.
They poured the olive oil on Levi’s head. It trickled down the side.
Dear Heavenly Father…
As they spoke I thought back to the day I’d been baptized, how some 20-year-old with a crew cut like these two had dunked me in the water. What was his name again? I should remember.
I came out and Levi was beaming as the interlude finished and a friend of his got up to give a talk about how lucky I was to have found the church, and how it would bless my life. I sat there holding Levi’s hand. I was still damp from the water, and I could smell the chlorine. I felt a warmth come over me, a calm. I squeezed Levi’s hand.
Soon after that Levi and I werebe kneeling over the altar in the temple talking about space and time and so many other invisible things that were supposed to keep us in love forever. The word was eternity, stretched out like the ocean stretches out and then longer.
And bless the wife of this man, thy faithful servant…
It was coming.
…that she may have the strength to support him and be his loving partner through this trial, that through their love in this hardship, their bond and faith in each other and in thee, O Lord, may be strengthened.
Thank you, elders, that was very eloquent bullshit.
Alone again in the bedroom, Levi put his hand in mine.
Oh, it’s time for your medicine. I sprung from the bed and got the syringe and bottles from the bathroom. I filled it up with the liquid and squirted a little across my arm. Then I stabbed him with it. He barely winced, but I noticed.
That was a nice message they gave, and the blessing, don’t you think?
I fucking guess so. I put away the drugs, and he moved to kiss me. I kissed him quickly back and jumped up.
I fucking guess so. I put away the drugs, and he moved to kiss me. I gave him a peck back and jumped up.
Hey. He grabbed my hand. Stay here. He moved his other hand between my legs.
No. I should really go get your meals ready for tomorrow, and my lunch for work, and the dishes…
That can all wait. Stay with me.
I didn’t. Instead I took the whiskey into the guest bathroom and tried to masturbate to pornography on my phone. I touched myself, but it hurt, and when I held up my fingers, they were covered in an ooze, white like the garments around my ankles, which I still wore if I was at home.
I tore them off and lay down in the shower. I let the water wash over me till it ran cold.
The next day the doctor took blood and came back an hour later to tell me I had gonorrhea.
Not the worst thing in the world. She handed me a prescription with those judging Relief Society eyes.
I appreciate your goddamn help. Cunt.
That evening, instead of filling the prescription, I took the whiskey and drove out to the lake.
I stared out across the water that, small though it really was, seemed like it could go on and on without ending.
I thought about all these little moments you get, these moments where one thing ends and another begins. It’s like when you get the laying on of hands. One instant you’re not a member of God’s Kingdom and the next you are, with his spirit now inside you. It’s like when one instant a man is healthy and then the next you get a phone call and he’s sick. But was there a little moment when at first I loved a man and then suddenly I hated him for tricking me into agreeing to this empty world with all its empty rules and then leaving me in it alone? I tried to remember, but I couldn’t.
I got out of the car and walked down to the lake. I took my clothes off and waded into the water. I fell back. I tried to submerge myself, but I wouldn’t sink. I just lay there floating in the salt and stared at the sky. I didn’t feel a warmth or a calm. I didn’t feel anything.
When I came home, Levi was half awake watching a talk by the Prophet on the television. I turned it off.
How was your day? He coughed and tried to sit up.
I crawled onto the bed and made my way over his body. I ran my hand up his leg and kissed his mouth.
As I rocked back and forth on top of his naked, decaying body, he reached up and stroked my face.
I love you.
I fucking love you too.